BY LISA WELSH
Ah, the way those sex sirens strut their stuff in movies... Owning their sexuality, ooooozing with confidence, and making it look so easy! Hmm, sadly, real life is rarely like that.
If you feel like you’re lacking in sex-confidence, you’re not alone. And, just for the record, there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. There’s a whole host of valid reasons for being shy in the bedroom, including culture, trauma, messages from family, comments from past partners, and body insecurities. All of these things leave you with annoying negative thoughts that pop into your head at the worst moments!
But, you can change this reality - and feel confident in your body, claim your pleasure, and even ask for what you want in bed. Here are 9 of my favourite ways to boost confidence in the boudoir.
Map Out Your Sex Story Line.
Take some time to journal about your personal sex storyline, starting from your earliest memories. Notice if there are any triggers or traumas that come up. Then write, feel and breathe through these. Reach out to a professional to support you as work through any tough stuff. This is a powerful way to reclaim your sexuality and confidence around sex.
Observe Your Self Talk.
How do you think and talk about yourself as a sexual being? Don’t forget that your brain is listening to everything you think and say - and it will shape your reality to match your words. So have compassion for yourself! Notice when you are overly critical about how you look, taste, smell, and act. Try using affirmations to help you move through your negative talk (eg I am worthy of receiving pleasure). You are normal, perfectly imperfect and it’s time to start treating yourself better. When you get out of your own way, you will naturally begin to feel more confident.
Learn What You Love.
The thought of asking for what you need in bed can be extra scary when you don’t even know what you like. Take some time to learn what feels good to you, to understand your desires, and to discover how your body responds to certain stimuli *on your own*! Conscious self-pleasure practices empower you to explore and discover your personal pleasure pathways with non-judgemental curiosity. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks you should be doing. Masturbation is perfectly healthy and natural… and absolutely essential for boosting your sexual confidence.
Practice Giving Feedback.
Knowing what you like is great, but asking for it in the moment requires another level of courage. Fortunately, it’s a skill you can develop outside of the bedroom. Practice giving feedback in everyday moments (eg accepting help: “mmm, thank you, that makes me feel so loved”) and less intense experiences (eg couple massage: “yes, I love it when you massage my shoulder with that pressure”). This will make it easier to speak up and communicate your desires in sexier moments - which means you’ll get what you want and your partner will get to deliver. Win-win!
Fan The Flames.
Get the juices flowing between you over text! Flirting, playing, and being saucy by text is often easier than doing so in person, and it’s amazing at building sexual tension. You might even find that you’re able to be more assertive over text - paving the way for you to show up with more confidence than usual when you’re together in real life!
Build Your Desire.
Arriving frazzled in the bedroom after a stressful day and expecting yourself to step into the role of Madame Confidence isn’t very realistic. Instead, take a few moments to stoke your own fire first! Arousal will bring confidence - so unwind, relax, take care of body, mind, soul before you jump into bed. You’re not a switch that can be turned-on on demand.
Dress The Part.
Don’t overlook seemingly small ways to boost your confidence. These ideas could be exactly what you need to unleash your inner Pleasure Queen!
Dress in lingerie that makes you feel divine
Add a splash of perfume
Turn the music up and the lights down
Read some erotica
Why not try role play and embody a super-confident character for the night?
Learn to Stay Present.
Learning to stay present is one of the most overlooked skills of lovemaking!! It’s SO important to develop mindfulness because it can help you to keep focused on the sensations in your body and your connection with your lover. Without this skill, you’re likely to keep getting caught in your head thinking about how your body looks, what your partner is thinking, or even what you should have for dinner tonight. Presence is HOT!
Focus On Your Strengths.
Sometimes lack of confidence comes from feeling like you aren’t a great lover. So let’s reframe that. Being a great lover doesn’t mean you have 100 tricks up your sleeve. Instead, it means that you’re connected and present with your partner, responding to their body and really listening to them. Start with that, and focus on the pleasure-giving techniques that you feel really comfortable with. Then, you can try new things at your own pace with the confidence that you are already a great lover!
Love Your Journey.
Building your sex-confidence in big and small ways, like we’ve shared here today, will take you further along your own path to your true erotic nature. And yes, some of these ideas may take you outside of your comfort zone, but this is the way to uncover your truest self - and it’s going to feel so good when you finally meet her!
This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.
About the author.
Lisa Welsh - A 4 ft 11 pleasure seeker with a 6 ft attitude
Lisa Welsh is an intimacy coach that focuses on creating a safe and non-judgemental space where she helps women to accept all aspects of themselves, make peace with old wounds and lingering shame, awaken their sexuality, and be fully themselves.
Always rocking whatever feels good while inspiring other women to do the same, we admire Lisa for her energy, honesty and kindness.